How To Buy a Pair of Pants

originally posted on wheresgeorge.com in response to a post about the difficulty of buying well-fitting pants

Damn. I hate buying pants. I mean, how hard should it be? Two legs, cover up your butt, stay around your waist, it really doesn't seem like it should be that complicated, but it IS. OK, I'll try the Gap. Sure, why not, it can't be any worse than anywhere else.

Nope, it's worse. What are these things, Barbie pants? All right, we'll try them in a ten.

Nope. Twelve?

Nope. Now I've got like four inches extra in the waist. What, all women who have actual muscles on their legs have 35-inch waists now? All right, all right, no pants at the Gap. Um ... Eddie Bauer?

Regular. Relaxed. Boot cut. Loose fit. Petite. Long. Tall. Sally. No, kidding on that last one, but not by much. Yeah, whatever, these are the right color, let's try 'em.

Nope. Will someone please explain to me what you wear if you're 5'4", which is the dividing line between petite and not? Petite jeans are sort of the right length if I don't mind people knowing what brand of socks I'm wearing, but the waist is in the wrong spot. Meaning, not where MY waist is. Regular jeans fit fine in the waist, but I haven't rolled my jeans up since 1985 and I'm not about to start up again now, which means I am NOT going to buy jeans that cover up my toes when I put them on. So OK, not Eddie Bauer then.

Old Navy. Hmmm. They look great on the mannequin. Too bad the mannequin has the legs of Claudia Schiffer and the butt of a first-grader. You know, I think I'll just stand in the middle of the store and yell, "Hey! I'm kind of short and my waist is too small and my rear is too big for your pants!" There -- I'm humiliated and I didn't even have to try anything on! Cool.

So, Cinnabon it is. Extra sauce please. And a diet Coke.